08 Sep FANNY PACKS ARE WHACK
One of my favorite fashion accessories on the planet is the belt. Not only do they serve a purpose—to keep your trousers from falling to your knees—but today, they make a statement of their own, since they come in all sorts of shapes, materials and colors that you can coordinate with your outfit.
Years ago, most pants didn’t even have belt loops and men donned suspenders as a way to keep their pants at their waistline. (Thank God for progressive fashion.) Rewind even further back a few centuries, and Roman soldiers wore large metal belts in a utilitarian manner, using them to holster their armor and swords. However, I do have a bone to pick with men today who choose to abuse the belt’s innate fashion-meets-functional capabilities—yes, I am talking to you who hangs all sorts of crap on your girdle like you’re decorating a Christmas tree. Allow me to explain further:
The Fanny Pack
Are you at a roller derby? Are you staring in a Weird Al Yankovic music video? If the answer to either of these is “no”, then I don’t care how much you paid for it, that fanny pack Velcro-ed over your belt looks absolutely idiotic. What the fuck could you possibly have stored in there, and why would you think this offensive accessory is a “safer” alternative? If you’re traveling abroad with your family’s passports, money and hotel keys all “safely” secured in a fanny pack on your waist, then you are a fool—if I’m a pick-pocketer, trust me, the first thing I’m going to do is rip that son of a bitch off your waist. (I have seen that happen in both Europe and Asia.) Do yourself and the fashion community a favor and find another place to store your valuables.
The Cell Phone Clip
C’mon man, you’re better than that. Unless you’re a surgeon, Batman, or Radio Shack employee in the late ’90s, clipping a cell phone to your belt is doing nothing but aging you and accentuating your Dadbod. Look, we are all a little guilty sometimes of being attached to our cell phones and tablets, but do you really need to take that to a whole other level and quite literally attach it to your clothing? The answer is no. Take a break and put your technological device down once in a while…or at the very least, put it in your pocket.
The Eyewear Case
I know I’m not a doctor, but I’m fairly certain your eyes are in the front of your head. Why are you toting your sunglasses on your waist? Not only is that unbelievably lame, but it’s not even convenient. What’s next, attaching your toothbrush, a photo of your sweetie and your favorite bedtime story to your belt for easy access? (Let me guess—you’re also the guy who wears socks with sandals.)
Here’s the takeaway, guys—belts serve two purposes: 1) a fashion accessory to complement your outfit, and 2) a method to keep your pants up. It is not the coat rack in your mudroom to hang all of your belongings on. Do yourself and everyone else around you a favor, and don’t clip to the hip.